Happy Happy Birthday my sweet baby girls!

Dear Emma, Kelsey and Lauren,
As I did last year, I have to write your birthday letter to you tonight, not tomorrow because I know that I won't get through it tomorrow. So I sit here tonight wondering how it is possible that two years have gone by, I still see each little detail in each of your faces as clear as if I just laid you to sleep in your cribs. I feel like I just met you, just heard Emma's little cry and just felt my arms so full with the tiny weight of each of you in my arms. I feel like I just looked over and saw your daddy rocking all three of you with tears running down his face and the deepest sadness I have ever seen in my life. I feel like I just said good bye to you, just let them take you out of my room for the very last time...yet somehow it has been two years. The intensity of the pain has not lessened for me, will it ever, I don't know. I know I can get through my days much easier, I can be happy, I am happy, but there is that huge hole, that loss in my heart that will never be replaced. I found myself pleading with God again yesterday begging Him to tell me why, to help me understand why He needed you more than I did, why He couldn't have let you stay here with me. Then I had to stop and remember you are in the very best place and you will have a second birthday party more magnificent then anything I could have ever planned here for you...still I selfishly want you here with me. I have spent many moments alone this week wondering what each of your sweet faces would look like today, what each of your personalities would have been like, how busy and overwhelmingly wonderful our lives would have been this year. I wonder how incredible your big sister Kate would have been with each of you, how much she would have loved to run and play with you girls, how much I know she will miss by not having her sissy's here with her throughout her life. Kate has this amazing love for you, as if she knows you aren't here with us and should be...every time she tells me she loves Blake she says "mommy, do you know how much I love brother", I say "no baby, how much" and she says "up to the sky where my sissy's are and all the way back down here mommy, that's how much"...every time she says it my heart hits the floor and tears fill my eyes. We all love you beyond our comprehension, beyond any words we can possibly say.

I have spent many days worrying and wondering how to spend tomorrow, how to celebrate you three, how to make sure I celebrate "good enough" so that you will know the depth of my love and how much I miss you...the celebration part has brought me to tears so many times this week as my sweet sweet girl friends have continued to ask "how can we help you celebrate, what can we do for you on Friday"? I kept saying, I really don't know...then this morning I was walking and talking with Ashly and she made a good point to me - grief has no right or wrong way about it, each person's grief and each day are going to be unique to how you are able to handle it - I know that tomorrow will never be what I want it to be, it will never be the three of you running around here laughing, playing with your friends and cousins, opening presents and eating cake...it will never be the celebration I want and long for it to be. We will eat cake for you tomorrow and tomorrow will be what it is going to be but no matter how hard I try and prepare and dictate what I am going to feel or do, I can't because I just don't know how to celebrate my babies who have already gone to heaven...I never will know how to celebrate that. So instead, I will take comfort in my friends and family tomorrow. I will wish with all of my heart that you three were going to be here when I wake up and I will immediately think of your sweet faces, I will celebrate you three the best way I know how until I can someday be with you, holding you in my arms. Until then, I will go to bed tomorrow night disappointed again because somehow the day won't be what I thought it should be, it never will be what I think it should be...

I do know that we will rejoice a little extra in each other tomorrow, we will hold each other a little tighter and we will thank you for teaching us to cherish every single moment that we do get to have together!

Ok, don't forget to look for your balloons tomorrow girlies, we will send them before it gets dark this year, your sissy can't wait, she already remembered we have to get Lauren a lavender one, Kelsey a green one and Emma a pink one!

I love you sweet baby girls...more then you will ever know. Here is the most amazing song that makes me cry for you each time I hear it...Happy Happy 2nd Birthday! With all my love always and forever - mommy

Heaven is the face of a little girl With dark brown eyes That disappear when she smiles. Heaven is the place Where she calls my name Says, “Daddy please come play with me for awhile.” Chorus: God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more, But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for. God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door. So right now... Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep, Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing. And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms, Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more, But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door. Bridge: But in my mind’s eye I can see a place Where Your glory fills every empty space. All the cancer is gone, Every mouth is fed, And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed. Every lonely heart finds their one true love, And there’s no more goodbye, And no more not enough, And there’s no more enemy (no more). Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone. Heaven is the place where she takes my hand And leads me to You, And we both run into Your arms. Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream. It’s far beyond anything I can conceive. So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see Heaven in the face of my little girl, Heaven in the face of my little girl.

Halloween 2009!

Love this picture, my little princess wouldn't go anywhere near the messy pumpkin, next year Blake will have it smashed all over the place!

Finally we are all going trick or treating together (the past two years I was on bedrest and sat in a chair in my driveway while Jeff and Kate went)!

The cutest puppy dog ever, Nana made the costumes of course!


My sweet tinkerbell all ready to go!

I hope everyone had as much fun as we did on Halloween this year!

Picture time!

I am so overdue for pictures...first the kiddos and this FUN Halloween holiday, Mexico pics later...

This is what I found during nap time today...can you believe how big he is...where did my baby go?

Kate and I at Farm day at school today!

Posing this morning before we left!

Our trip to the "Pumpkin Patch" didn't really go as planned...we made do.

Proud mama with her babies!

I hope everyone has an awesome Halloween and that the rain GOES AWAY!!!

October...really?

Well is has been a busy but good couple of weeks, Blake man got his tubes and literally came out of surgery a new baby! He started babbling all the time, saying mama and cruising on furniture - I think he got his full hearing and balance back immediately! The surgery wasn't bad, the worst part was putting him through a breathing treatment before it and then watching him come out and try and wake up. I literally ripped him out of the nurses arms because I couldn't stand seeing his body that way, no head or body control. He cried awhile but settled down pretty soon after he started eating a bottle. I am glad it is behind us! I am still training for the half marathon, I didn't give up as I have wanted to, I actually paid my online registration and bought the most expensive pair of running shoes I have ever bought - there is officially NO turning back now! I love my long week-end runs, Tammie, Kristie and I (my two sisters) meet at the Y and do a long run on the new greenway by us. Last week-end we ran 8.2 and then went to Starbucks for our favorite Pumpkin Spice Lattes - I hate getting up early and going but I love the time together, even if I am ALWAYS a quarter mile behind them watching them do circles around me:)! They have been running a lot longer so I don't feel bad. Mid summer I couldn't even run three miles with Kristie at the beach so I have come a long way.
This tends to be an emotional time of year for me as we near the second birthday/loss of my sweet Emma, Kelsey and Lauren. Last year at this time I was SO scared and this year I am so overwhelmed with my blessings and the amazing ways in which God had it all planned out for us...Tomorrow we head to the pumpkin patch and I am SO excited about this little venture...for those of you who have read my blog - the pumpkin patch last year was the day I ended up in the labor and delivery with preterm labor...I believe a hayride at 31 weeks with high risk pregnancy is not a good idea. I remember being SO scared that night and the days that followed and all I could think was God please let me have a healthy baby to take to the pumpkin patch with me next year, I begged Him and I can't wait to hold my sweet baby Blake with his sissy while we enjoy a hayride tomorrow! God is SO good! I am so incredibly attached to my babies and could just melt every time one of them is in my arms...

SO...this coming week is causing me a lot of excitement and mommy anxiety as Jeff and I are heading to Mexico with three other couples (The Marsh's, Rivenbarks and Harrison's) for a long over due adults only vacation! I am so excited but really anxious about leaving my babies behind! We planned this trip over a year ago, while I was still early pregnant with Blake. We had to make sure nobody was pregnant, nursing or had too young of babies to leave behind:)! All three of these couples went to college with us and lived on the same street in our first houses/neighborhood. We are going to a new all inclusive resort in Cancun and I am SO excited! I keep telling myself that Jeff and I need this and we are better parents when we reconnect and have some adult time...I will be fine when I get there, it is the leaving that is always so hard.

Anyways, lots of fun stuff! I will definitely post pictures tomorrow after the pumpkin patch adventures!

Katie

A long month...

September has been a really long month for us! It literally started out with two sick kids and here we are at the end of September and we aren't much better off...Blake started the month with a double ear infection (his 5th since May) and he still hasn't gotten rid of it, he is on his 28th day of antibiotics and we go for his surgery on Wednesday morning to get tubes put in. I have been so sad for him because he has been really miserable. I am dreading Wednesday, no matter how routine the procedure, no parent wants to see their baby put to sleep! I do know how much better he will feel as soon as it is over with so that part I am ready for, Blake has been on an antibiotic every month since May and they have never seen his ears clear! We did have his hearing checked and he seems to be at the normal range, I was really worried as my sister has partial hearing loss from her ears as a child. Kate started the month out not feeling well and ended up having this horrendous strep throat that she could NOT get over. We went to the doctor three different times for Kate and spent two different days in the doctors office doing breathing treatments, x-rays and blood work thinking maybe it was something else but it appeared to just be a really bad strep throat. She did three different antibiotics and finally got over it, it was really sad, she was so down and out! All of this and of course I was going to get something...so on my 30th birthday I spent the evening at the urgent care and ended up doing two rounds of antibiotics myself for strep - I was beginning to think we were all just going to pass these sicknesses back and forth until finally last week everyone seemed to be feeling better! Blake is actually doing a lot better today, he has been on breathing treatments three times a day leading up to his surgery and he seems so much happier, he was wheezing really bad last week so the breathing treatments should get him ready for Wednesday, they will cancel if he is wheezing at all! I also took Blake to his 9 month check up in the midst of all of this, we actually went last week (he was almost 10 months) but he was 20lbs 4 oz (50%), 29.5 inches (90%) and his head was off the charts:)! He was perfect (besides his ears and allergies)! He is crawling everywhere, only loves people food and is as rotten as they come - loves to be held! I can't believe he will be 10 months this week-end.
So...besides our sicknesses, we continue to be very busy around here! Jeff has been traveling some, work for me has been busy but good! Kate likes school, the few days she has been and Blake loves the lady who watches him while I work! We have also done some huge home renovations around here, we ripped up our entire main floor (except the kitchen tile) and put in new hardwoods, I love them, they are a distressed wide plank wood and they completely change the way our house looks! We got a new couch, new bedroom furniture and are looking for a new entertainment center...it has been really fun, somewhat like moving to a new house!! I will post some pictures when I get a chance. The bedroom furniture was a complete shock to me, Jeff completely surprised me with the set we had looked at months ago - he had it delivered and all set up on my birthday and I was so shocked, I love it!!

One last thing...if I post it, admit it and tell the world then I can't back out - Jeff and I are training for the Thanksgiving day half marathon and I so want to quit right now because I feel so exhausted...but we are going to do it! I have 9 weeks to go and a lot of running to do, wish us luck!!

I will post some pictures soon! Please pray for Blake man on Wednesday and for my kids to stay healthy for awhile!

Katie

So so much to say and post...

OK, preschool has started, I have set some boundaries with my job and I am getting back into the groove of a routine...I hope so anyways! This summer was SO busy but so much fun, it is amazing to me that it is already pretty much over. Shortly after my last post we celebrated Katelyn's 3rd birthday, I can't believe I have a three year old. We had the best birthday party ever, Snow White showed up and I have never seen Kate so in awe of anyone in her life, she still talks about Snow White coming from the castle to her house. This lady was amazing, she sang all the songs in the most amazing voice, painted faces, made balloon animals, did tattoos and magic shows. The kids were completely captured. I had so much fun watching everyone and it was so easy for me! On Katelyn's actual birthday we were in Amelia Island for our annual beach trip with my dad and step mom, it is the most relaxing trip and we have a blast every year, it is 10 adults and 8 children all in one condo - we love it! Kate liked the beach a little better than last year but was terrified of the ocean waves so we really spent more time at the pool. Blake could have cared less where we were, he was happy as a clam just hanging out with everyone. He loves the pool and was happy to play in the water and nap in his stroller, it really was perfect for the kids. While we were at the beach we were SO excited to find out that Jeff got a new job with Home Depot, he has been interviewing for awhile now and accepted a position as a Project Manager in Supply Chain, he really likes it so far and it was so fun to celebrate while on vacation! So...since we got home, we have both been crazy busy with work and getting back into our routine. My job is going awesome, I love working again, love the people I work with and love working in the Christian ministry again! Katelyn started school on Monday and so far I think she loves it, she seems to be really excited to go. It always takes me awhile to get used to her being gone again, Monday I paced the house for awhile waiting for time to go and pick her up! She has some great kids in her class and her teachers seem really nice, she goes three days a week so it is a good balance for us. I plan to primarily work the days she is in school and not work Tuesday and Thursday so I can focus on the kids and spending quality time with them with play dates and activities! Blake is doing great, he is getting SO big and I can't believe next week he will be 9 months old!! He is getting so close to crawling but he hasn't mastered it yet, I am OK with him not moving, Katelyn walked three days before she turned 9 months but I don't think he is anywhere near that and I don't want him to be there yet. I did have Blake's allergies tested and he does indeed have a dairy allergy, thankfully it is very mild and he should grow out of it, it is hard to watch all his food but we are learning as we go! I simply can't get enough of my kids and their sweet sweet personalities...I think it is working again and being more busy that makes me so much more in tune with the time we do spend together, or maybe it is just their precious ages and that I am more relaxed and at peace then I have ever ever been in my entire life. I simply wake up every day thanking God for my life, these babies and the blessings He has given to me - I keep asking myself is this really my life? I was walking down the stairs the other morning and both kids like to be held so I put one on each hip and down we go, I saw my reflection in the wall and it took my breath away, that was me - with my arms full - I never thought I would be there and here I am. Daily I am reminded of the overwhelming gratitude and peace that fills my heart. I still miss my Kelsey, Emma and Lauren everyday, every minute I wonder what they would be like today - but that unbelievable pain has somewhat healed and in it's place is just the sweet memories of their faces, Emma's whimper and the way their sweet bodies felt in my arms. My dear friend had a baby last week, after suffering a horrendous loss a year ago delivering her sweet baby boy at 39 weeks stillborn, last week she delivered a beautiful healthy baby girl! I was able to be with her throughout the entire day, the labor and everything. When the proud daddy came out to tell us it was a girl, I went outside the hospital to call Jeff, my mom and sisters and I sat on the bench looking over to the same door they wheeled me out with my three boxes on my lap instead of my three babies and I sobbed, I cried so hard for my loss, for her loss and for the incredible blessings we had just a short year to two years later - I will never understand completely but God has truly provided in a way that only He can. I walked back into the hospital and was able to go into my friends room to meet this sweet baby, I looked first at my friend and saw the same relief and renewed spirit that I felt when Blake was born...it was amazing to witness and healing for me in more ways then I can describe! Only those who have suffered through losing a child/children could possibly understand the depth of those emotions. So many prayers were answered last week!
That is a brief catch up from me, I am seriously going to start blogging again, I miss it - even if nobody reads it, I love it!

Here are some pictures, they aren't in order, I was too tired to do that tonight...:)!

Katelyn's first day of preschool!

Blake Kel in the bath!

My sweet babies before church

One of my favorites of Blake at the beach!

Katelyn's birthday with Snow White!

Kate, mommy and daddy

(Check out the cake my friend made, check out her blog - http://andeverythingsweet.blogspot.com)

That is all for tonight!

Finally some time to post!

I finally had some time to sit down tonight and catch up on every one's blogs...sorry I didn't have time to leave comments but I am up to date on all my blogger friends. Jeff told me he doesn't think anyone reads my blog anymore:) I can't imagine why...I can't find the time to sit and blog like I used to. The summer has been amazing and so busy, I am so in love with my life, I am so thankful for my babies and my husband, Jeff and I have had so much going on our entire marriage that I feel like we are finally getting to sit back and enjoy the moments. I just thank God everyday for where we are and what we are so blessed to have.

I have fallen in love with another man...his name is Blake! Nobody told me how amazing it would be having a boy and a girl. I never imagined I could love another child like I love Kate and my girls and then comes Blake - how does one's heart have this much love? Amazing! Blake is doing awesome, he is getting so big so fast and we are loving watching him grow and discover everything. He is completely sitting up on his own, he grabs for all his toys (and puts them directly into his mouth), he rolls all over the place and is trying to scoot to his toys! He has two bottom teeth and two more on the way. He loves his johnny jumper and could jump all day in there! Blake absolute most favorite person in the world is his sissy, he loves Kate so much and lights up the minute she walks in the room!

And for my sweet Kate...she is doing wonderful too, my sweet angel baby is going to be 3 a week from tomorrow! I can't even believe it! I am not sure where the past three years have gone! Kate does act like she is 5 years old and blows me away with the things she says to me. She is starting to give up her nap which makes me SO sad but I know she is ready, she is sleeping so much better at night the days she doesn't nap and naps are primarily a battle for me to get her to be quiet and stay in her room, so I am pretty sure I have given up on the nap. Kate's new thing is that she is so into pretend play and she plays house all day long, it is so funny to listen to her talk to her babies the way I talk to her and Blake. I can't believe how grown up she is getting and I love spending time talking with her, she is so amazing to me and teaches me so much everyday. She certainly makes me stop and enjoy the moments with her.

We have had a busy month, July is a big vacation month for us. We spent the 4th of July in Cashiers North Carolina with Jeff's family and had the best time! It was gorgeous weather and a very relaxing time. Kate had a blast with her cousin Haley and Blake and baby Gordon had a great time too! We leave for the beach a week from today and will spend 8 days with my dad, Nancy, Chris and sisters...it is always a relaxing and fun time for everyone. I am looking forward to the time away with our family, away from our crazy busy lives here at home! My new job is going wonderful, I love it and feel so blessed to be working for such an amazing company and not having to be away from my kiddos full time - God is so great!

I have to run but here are some awesome new pictures from the past few weeks!

Sissy and Blake playing in the grass!

Nana and Grandpa's Clan!

Blake and mommy on the boat

Adults night out!

Sweet little man!