What this meant to me...

Let me tell you a little about my running life...or lack thereof. I was never a runner, always a walker as a matter of fact I really hated running. But this also comes from a childhood accident that was so severe they took me back into surgery telling my mother they were going to amputate my right leg...At 8 years old I fell off a snowmobile and broke every bone in my right leg with a compound fracture (which means the two lower bones came out of my leg). I also fractured half a kidney. I spent hours in surgery where my mom begged the doctors to do anything they had to do to save my leg. I came out with four pins, a rod and in traction where I spent the next four weeks in a hospital bed with my leg hanging in the air. I spent the next four months in a complete body cast, 8 months after that in a leg cast and another year in a brace. I have had 27 reconstructive surgeries on my right leg alone and three on my left leg as they had to break my femur bone in high school to try and correct the right leg even more. Needless to say...I never really thought I could run, I just thanked my leg for being as strong as it was. When I lost the triplets my sister Kristie really encouraged me to start running, I was so full of anger, hurt and sadness and I think she knew it would somehow help to heal me. So I started running...I could barely run a mile, I had to take breaks. After several weeks I got up to two miles, Kristie and I met at my clubhouse, talked, watched the morning shows and ran. I once ran three miles by myself without stopping, I thought I had run a marathon! Then I knew I wanted to try and get pregnant again so I stopped everything. I laid in around for 11 months to make sure my body was ready and that I wouldn't lose the baby due to too much activity. I thought people who were pregnant and working out were insane, I was too scared. After I had Blake, I decided to start running again to try and lose some of my weight. Kristie again was there to encourage me to get going. When I started working and went on the annual retreat, everyone was talking about the marathon they had ran, the challenge that Stan had given them for the past year. My friend Jill told me I should run a half marathon, Kristie had already been talking about the Thanksgiving Half and I had it in the back of my mind. SO I half heartedly thought...I will do this, maybe I really can do this. So I just started running...then I heard both my sisters, my brother and my sister in law were going to do the Thanksgiving Day half and I said, I have to do this! I pulled up the training schedule and delayed starting it as long as I could. I ran, two to three miles when i could. Over the summer I tried to run with my sisters on our weeks vacation, I couldn't even run three miles, really hardly two without walking and I was dying...they ran circles around me and I thought I can NEVER do this. But I kept going. We started meeting at the greenway for our Saturday morning runs and in the beginning I was dying, I could never keep up and I wanted to quit the whole time but as we got closer, it got in me - mentally I was preparing. Over dinner during a date night, Jeff mentioned he would love to do something like the half marathon someday and I jumped on it...I spent three days convincing him to do it with me, I knew if i never did it again I SO wanted us to do that together. So he started training...we complained some, had many many days we didn't want to run and didn't run the full schedule we were following. But we kept going. During some of my runs, I cried, I actually thought is my leg going to be OK, will it hold me up, will I hurt myself...yet how amazing that I am really going to do this - then it became mental for me, the challenge was hard, the hardest physical thing I have done besides give birth to Blake. Thursday morning we woke up at 4:45 am, got dresses in our layers, ate our power bars, met my sisters and brother in the pitch dark and walked to our corrals. I was nervous beyond words, I didn't know if I would run the whole thing, I didn't know how fast and i didn't know how my leg would do. My goal was 2:15 - 2:30 and I knew I could do close to that. My sisters and brother took off, they had a faster goal and I couldn't do it. I ran the first 9 miles alone and then Jeff caught up, we ran the last 4.1 together and it was the most amazing feeling. I wanted to stop around mile 10, the hills on Peachtree street were brutal but I was too far into it and my adrenaline kicked in. I couldn't believe it, I was about to finish. Each mile Jeff and I somewhat smiled high fived and said 3 more, 2 more, 1 more...we can do it we are there! We passed my step father and Kate who were cheering us on at the end, we saw the finish line and sprinted together, we finished at 2:07 - beating our goal and finishing together - it was AMAZING and such an incredible HIGH! I had so much fun and was so happy we did it!

Picture the photographers took while I was running.

But here I went...from this...(excuse the awful picture, you can see my body cast under my shirt this was the most i could sit up for four months)

To this...we did it!!!

I said I would never do it again, I was never going to run again...I have already ran again and I can't wait till my next one, I will do it again!

It was...a perfect day!

It is hard to believe that my title of the post of my girls 2nd birthday could say, it was the perfect day...but it truly was. The anxiety of the day, the same as last year, was the worst by far. But the week started out beautifully when in my staff meeting I was surrounded by prayer and love to survive the week. When Friday rolled around, I was sure I would be miserable all day, that the pain would surpass everything else. Instead I woke up Friday morning and did my furthest run of 10 miles with my sisters. I cried on my way to the greenway, it was a beautiful morning, the kind of morning that I ALWAYS look up and want to jump through the clear blue sky to see my babies, to just hold them one more time. I read some sweet emails and texts and felt surrounded by my friends and support system. I got a little crabby as the run was about to start but I just decided "here I go"...the 10 miles was the best, hardest and best run I had done to date. I stayed a little behind my sisters, actually ran most of it alone but I loved the time...I prayed, talked to my girls, prayed thanks for Katelyn and Blake, for Jeff, for God allowing my marriage to not only survive but thrive in the midst of the tragedy we faced. I prayed for my sisters while they ran ahead of me for the private and individual things I knew needed praying for. I praised God for where I was at that moment and asked Him to continue to love my babies as I know He will. When we finished our run (and I could barely walk), Tammie, Kristie and I hugged and Kristie said a beautiful prayer for me, Jeff, the babies and our amazing God. We got a coffee and went about our days...I cried most of the way back to my moms and couldn't get back to my kiddos fast enough. But somehow inside I was happy, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and love...I pulled into my house from getting the kids and there were my girls - my sweet sweet friends who were waiting to plant flowers and be with me. We planted the flowers where we would see them when we pulled into the driveway and they gave us a beautiful stepping stone that we can put the girls names on. It was the perfect way to spend the afternoon...they left and Jeff got home. We released the balloons, ate some cake balls and spent some time together as a family. That night we met our sweet friends out for dinner and drinks to celebrate Allison's big 3-0 - we decided we would just go on for the day and we did...we survived! I am glad it is over with but I am so thankful for the love that surrounded me...here is a recap in pictures.

Maddie and Kate planting the flowers with Allison

Sweet little man hanging out
Kate ready to send the balloons to her sissy's!

All smiles as we sent our birthday wishes

Happy Birthday Emma, Kelsey and Lauren - we love you!

The crystal clear day allowed us to watch the balloons for SO long!

Happy Happy Birthday my sweet baby girls!

Dear Emma, Kelsey and Lauren,
As I did last year, I have to write your birthday letter to you tonight, not tomorrow because I know that I won't get through it tomorrow. So I sit here tonight wondering how it is possible that two years have gone by, I still see each little detail in each of your faces as clear as if I just laid you to sleep in your cribs. I feel like I just met you, just heard Emma's little cry and just felt my arms so full with the tiny weight of each of you in my arms. I feel like I just looked over and saw your daddy rocking all three of you with tears running down his face and the deepest sadness I have ever seen in my life. I feel like I just said good bye to you, just let them take you out of my room for the very last time...yet somehow it has been two years. The intensity of the pain has not lessened for me, will it ever, I don't know. I know I can get through my days much easier, I can be happy, I am happy, but there is that huge hole, that loss in my heart that will never be replaced. I found myself pleading with God again yesterday begging Him to tell me why, to help me understand why He needed you more than I did, why He couldn't have let you stay here with me. Then I had to stop and remember you are in the very best place and you will have a second birthday party more magnificent then anything I could have ever planned here for you...still I selfishly want you here with me. I have spent many moments alone this week wondering what each of your sweet faces would look like today, what each of your personalities would have been like, how busy and overwhelmingly wonderful our lives would have been this year. I wonder how incredible your big sister Kate would have been with each of you, how much she would have loved to run and play with you girls, how much I know she will miss by not having her sissy's here with her throughout her life. Kate has this amazing love for you, as if she knows you aren't here with us and should be...every time she tells me she loves Blake she says "mommy, do you know how much I love brother", I say "no baby, how much" and she says "up to the sky where my sissy's are and all the way back down here mommy, that's how much"...every time she says it my heart hits the floor and tears fill my eyes. We all love you beyond our comprehension, beyond any words we can possibly say.

I have spent many days worrying and wondering how to spend tomorrow, how to celebrate you three, how to make sure I celebrate "good enough" so that you will know the depth of my love and how much I miss you...the celebration part has brought me to tears so many times this week as my sweet sweet girl friends have continued to ask "how can we help you celebrate, what can we do for you on Friday"? I kept saying, I really don't know...then this morning I was walking and talking with Ashly and she made a good point to me - grief has no right or wrong way about it, each person's grief and each day are going to be unique to how you are able to handle it - I know that tomorrow will never be what I want it to be, it will never be the three of you running around here laughing, playing with your friends and cousins, opening presents and eating cake...it will never be the celebration I want and long for it to be. We will eat cake for you tomorrow and tomorrow will be what it is going to be but no matter how hard I try and prepare and dictate what I am going to feel or do, I can't because I just don't know how to celebrate my babies who have already gone to heaven...I never will know how to celebrate that. So instead, I will take comfort in my friends and family tomorrow. I will wish with all of my heart that you three were going to be here when I wake up and I will immediately think of your sweet faces, I will celebrate you three the best way I know how until I can someday be with you, holding you in my arms. Until then, I will go to bed tomorrow night disappointed again because somehow the day won't be what I thought it should be, it never will be what I think it should be...

I do know that we will rejoice a little extra in each other tomorrow, we will hold each other a little tighter and we will thank you for teaching us to cherish every single moment that we do get to have together!

Ok, don't forget to look for your balloons tomorrow girlies, we will send them before it gets dark this year, your sissy can't wait, she already remembered we have to get Lauren a lavender one, Kelsey a green one and Emma a pink one!

I love you sweet baby girls...more then you will ever know. Here is the most amazing song that makes me cry for you each time I hear it...Happy Happy 2nd Birthday! With all my love always and forever - mommy

Heaven is the face of a little girl With dark brown eyes That disappear when she smiles. Heaven is the place Where she calls my name Says, “Daddy please come play with me for awhile.” Chorus: God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more, But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for. God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door. So right now... Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep, Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing. And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms, Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more, But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door. Bridge: But in my mind’s eye I can see a place Where Your glory fills every empty space. All the cancer is gone, Every mouth is fed, And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed. Every lonely heart finds their one true love, And there’s no more goodbye, And no more not enough, And there’s no more enemy (no more). Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone. Heaven is the place where she takes my hand And leads me to You, And we both run into Your arms. Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream. It’s far beyond anything I can conceive. So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see Heaven in the face of my little girl, Heaven in the face of my little girl.

Halloween 2009!

Love this picture, my little princess wouldn't go anywhere near the messy pumpkin, next year Blake will have it smashed all over the place!

Finally we are all going trick or treating together (the past two years I was on bedrest and sat in a chair in my driveway while Jeff and Kate went)!

The cutest puppy dog ever, Nana made the costumes of course!


My sweet tinkerbell all ready to go!

I hope everyone had as much fun as we did on Halloween this year!

Picture time!

I am so overdue for pictures...first the kiddos and this FUN Halloween holiday, Mexico pics later...

This is what I found during nap time today...can you believe how big he is...where did my baby go?

Kate and I at Farm day at school today!

Posing this morning before we left!

Our trip to the "Pumpkin Patch" didn't really go as planned...we made do.

Proud mama with her babies!

I hope everyone has an awesome Halloween and that the rain GOES AWAY!!!

October...really?

Well is has been a busy but good couple of weeks, Blake man got his tubes and literally came out of surgery a new baby! He started babbling all the time, saying mama and cruising on furniture - I think he got his full hearing and balance back immediately! The surgery wasn't bad, the worst part was putting him through a breathing treatment before it and then watching him come out and try and wake up. I literally ripped him out of the nurses arms because I couldn't stand seeing his body that way, no head or body control. He cried awhile but settled down pretty soon after he started eating a bottle. I am glad it is behind us! I am still training for the half marathon, I didn't give up as I have wanted to, I actually paid my online registration and bought the most expensive pair of running shoes I have ever bought - there is officially NO turning back now! I love my long week-end runs, Tammie, Kristie and I (my two sisters) meet at the Y and do a long run on the new greenway by us. Last week-end we ran 8.2 and then went to Starbucks for our favorite Pumpkin Spice Lattes - I hate getting up early and going but I love the time together, even if I am ALWAYS a quarter mile behind them watching them do circles around me:)! They have been running a lot longer so I don't feel bad. Mid summer I couldn't even run three miles with Kristie at the beach so I have come a long way.
This tends to be an emotional time of year for me as we near the second birthday/loss of my sweet Emma, Kelsey and Lauren. Last year at this time I was SO scared and this year I am so overwhelmed with my blessings and the amazing ways in which God had it all planned out for us...Tomorrow we head to the pumpkin patch and I am SO excited about this little venture...for those of you who have read my blog - the pumpkin patch last year was the day I ended up in the labor and delivery with preterm labor...I believe a hayride at 31 weeks with high risk pregnancy is not a good idea. I remember being SO scared that night and the days that followed and all I could think was God please let me have a healthy baby to take to the pumpkin patch with me next year, I begged Him and I can't wait to hold my sweet baby Blake with his sissy while we enjoy a hayride tomorrow! God is SO good! I am so incredibly attached to my babies and could just melt every time one of them is in my arms...

SO...this coming week is causing me a lot of excitement and mommy anxiety as Jeff and I are heading to Mexico with three other couples (The Marsh's, Rivenbarks and Harrison's) for a long over due adults only vacation! I am so excited but really anxious about leaving my babies behind! We planned this trip over a year ago, while I was still early pregnant with Blake. We had to make sure nobody was pregnant, nursing or had too young of babies to leave behind:)! All three of these couples went to college with us and lived on the same street in our first houses/neighborhood. We are going to a new all inclusive resort in Cancun and I am SO excited! I keep telling myself that Jeff and I need this and we are better parents when we reconnect and have some adult time...I will be fine when I get there, it is the leaving that is always so hard.

Anyways, lots of fun stuff! I will definitely post pictures tomorrow after the pumpkin patch adventures!

Katie

A long month...

September has been a really long month for us! It literally started out with two sick kids and here we are at the end of September and we aren't much better off...Blake started the month with a double ear infection (his 5th since May) and he still hasn't gotten rid of it, he is on his 28th day of antibiotics and we go for his surgery on Wednesday morning to get tubes put in. I have been so sad for him because he has been really miserable. I am dreading Wednesday, no matter how routine the procedure, no parent wants to see their baby put to sleep! I do know how much better he will feel as soon as it is over with so that part I am ready for, Blake has been on an antibiotic every month since May and they have never seen his ears clear! We did have his hearing checked and he seems to be at the normal range, I was really worried as my sister has partial hearing loss from her ears as a child. Kate started the month out not feeling well and ended up having this horrendous strep throat that she could NOT get over. We went to the doctor three different times for Kate and spent two different days in the doctors office doing breathing treatments, x-rays and blood work thinking maybe it was something else but it appeared to just be a really bad strep throat. She did three different antibiotics and finally got over it, it was really sad, she was so down and out! All of this and of course I was going to get something...so on my 30th birthday I spent the evening at the urgent care and ended up doing two rounds of antibiotics myself for strep - I was beginning to think we were all just going to pass these sicknesses back and forth until finally last week everyone seemed to be feeling better! Blake is actually doing a lot better today, he has been on breathing treatments three times a day leading up to his surgery and he seems so much happier, he was wheezing really bad last week so the breathing treatments should get him ready for Wednesday, they will cancel if he is wheezing at all! I also took Blake to his 9 month check up in the midst of all of this, we actually went last week (he was almost 10 months) but he was 20lbs 4 oz (50%), 29.5 inches (90%) and his head was off the charts:)! He was perfect (besides his ears and allergies)! He is crawling everywhere, only loves people food and is as rotten as they come - loves to be held! I can't believe he will be 10 months this week-end.
So...besides our sicknesses, we continue to be very busy around here! Jeff has been traveling some, work for me has been busy but good! Kate likes school, the few days she has been and Blake loves the lady who watches him while I work! We have also done some huge home renovations around here, we ripped up our entire main floor (except the kitchen tile) and put in new hardwoods, I love them, they are a distressed wide plank wood and they completely change the way our house looks! We got a new couch, new bedroom furniture and are looking for a new entertainment center...it has been really fun, somewhat like moving to a new house!! I will post some pictures when I get a chance. The bedroom furniture was a complete shock to me, Jeff completely surprised me with the set we had looked at months ago - he had it delivered and all set up on my birthday and I was so shocked, I love it!!

One last thing...if I post it, admit it and tell the world then I can't back out - Jeff and I are training for the Thanksgiving day half marathon and I so want to quit right now because I feel so exhausted...but we are going to do it! I have 9 weeks to go and a lot of running to do, wish us luck!!

I will post some pictures soon! Please pray for Blake man on Wednesday and for my kids to stay healthy for awhile!

Katie