Friday, March 7, 2008

The world of Infertilty

I will never forget about three years ago when I was sitting in the waiting room at my IVF doctors office. I had just failed my third cycle of IVF and was starting to explore surrogacy - I was really down. For those of you who have never experienced infertility, you will never truly understand the pain, loss and emotions that go along with it all. It is, I believe one of the most devestating losses a woman can face. We all do believe it is our right to carry a child and to get pregnant with that child the way God intended us to. When that doesn't happen, it is like a part of you dies - a loss that I can't even put into words and I won't even attempt. Anyways, a lady walked into the office with twin boys looking to be about 1. She was one of those people who wanted the whole room to hear what she was saying (and it was a big room), she was carrying on about coming in for one and getting two, how crazy her life was, how busy they were keeping her, etc. - a little over the top in my opinion. I just watched her so amazed that IVF actually worked, I certainly wasn't having that luck. I got in my car that afternoon and cried - I must have been jealous. I swore from that day that I would never bring a child into their office...then last week the nurses asked me to bring Katelyn to visit. They wanted to make her hand print on a canvas they are going to hang in the office (an adorable idea). I had to go down to the area for something else so I decided to bring Katelyn with me. I was really nervous to go there, I didn't want to upset anyone. I do know the peak hours of the office (5 IVF's and 2 Surrogacy's later, I practically live there), so I went after the morning rush and was as discrete as possible and I sat in a separate area and let the nurses come to us. Katelyn loved making her hand print and honestly I loved showing her to everyone, all that we have been through with the nurses and doctors there - they deserved to meet the one who makes it all worth it! Maybe meeting her helps everyone understand where I get my will to keep trying, she makes it all worth it. I also feel like they are my extended family, Jeff and I are like their kids going through all of this, they are all so involved in our story, I think it is because we were the first to do surrogacy with two sisters on the same day! I walked down a hall today and overheard a woman say "Is that the Katie Gordon", my mom and I laughed, I am famous at the Infertility clinic, that is pretty funny! I told my mom, if we have to go through all this, at least we feel so loved in the office - they are all SO incredible, I wouldn't choose to be any where else!
I have had an emotional week, tomorrow is my due date and even though I knew the girls would be born early, I still focused on March 8th with all my heart knowing I needed to get as close as I could to that date. I certainly didn't envision being back at my IVF doctor's office with Katelyn dying to be pregnant again...I can't wait for tomorrow to be over, it is a day that has stood in the back of my mind in the midst of all my healing. One of those days I knew I would have to face, once it is over I can at least stop anticipating it arriving. So far so good for our next cycle, we are moving forward and praying with all our hearts for one healthy baby. I will keep you all posted with more specifics when I get there. Tomorrow I ask for you all to pray for peace in our hearts but also to take a moment and remember my three beautiful angels, I know they will be smiling down on Jeff, Katelyn and me!

6 comments:

sarah said...

Katie,
I've been wondering how you are doing....thank you for this post. You put into words exactly how I am feeling. My due date was March 27. I'm really dreading it. Anyway, I'll be thinking about you tomorrow. We can get through this!
Sarah (from the IVF pg loss boards)

Matt&Erin said...

Katie,

You all (you, Jeff, Kate and the girls) will be in my thoughts tomorrow.

Erin

lisakanesanders said...

Jeff, Katie and Katelyn,
You guys are in our thoughts and prayers today.
Love,
Nate and Lisa

Tim said...

Saying a prayer for you and your WHOLE family! Amanda

Chris said...

Thank you for sharing so much with us in this post. Reading it reminds me just how lucky I am twice over. I know that today is a hard day but also one you needed to see come. God Bless you all and I'm praying for you guys to add to your family soon!

Bethany said...

Katie, I hope that you are doing well. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Your continued efforts will be in our prayers.