Thursday, November 15, 2007

Surviving

I know that many of you are thinking about us and wondering how we are doing. I have been wanting to post something to keep you all updated since your outpouring of support has been so amazing...however, I haven't known what to write.

A little over a week has passed since we lost our Emma, Kelsey and Lauren and it has been one heck of an emotional roller coaster in our lives. We are still bombarded with the horrid tragedy of last week. I am constantly feeling flutters in my stomach and having to remind myself it isn't the girlies kicking me, it is emptiness. I continue to see their beautiful faces and hear Emma's whimper throughout each day. I want to go back so I can hold them again, I want them back in my stomach so the horrible guilt I feel for having to deliver them would go away. It is like a constant fight to keep going each day right now, a constant battle to get up and function normally in life, one that I know will get easier in time. It is a constant battle to thank God for his blessings and at the same time not be angry at him for what has happened.
We do thank God we have Katelyn who has been the saving grace in this ordeal, for a 16 month old, I am pretty sure she knows how much extra love her mommy and daddy need. Jeff and I can't put her down, we can't get enough of her, she is the happiness that is getting us through this time. We continue to thank God for Tammie and all that she sacrificed to help get Katelyn into our arms. We also are so blessed by our incredible family who has hardly left our sides, we sometimes wish everyone would move in with us so there could be constant chaos here. Everyone has been amazing, we never knew how blessed we were with such amazing friends either, people truly stand out in times like this.The dinners you all have been making are such a wonderful treat each day, I can't imagine if we had to think about what we were going to eat, I don't think we would eat. My brother in law sold our minivan in a week, praise God it is out of our garage and we don't have to look at the constant reminder of the empty seats. A very nice family bought the car and they were so very excited. I wish another car would show up on our doorstep but hopefully we can find something we will like soon.
Jeff went back to work Tuesday and it has been really hard on me to have him gone all day. I know it isn't easy on him either, although I thought it would be better for him. I feel like we don't know where to go with our lives right now as we struggle to find understanding in all of this. For those of you who know our entire story, we were so close to never having to think about infertility and how we would expand our family - we now are back at square one. We have been trying to have a baby and fight the infertility for almost four years now. My pregnancy was a complete miracle to us and a huge chapter in our lives that we thought we could close forever, that part is hard to think about but I know we won't give up, not yet - we need the hope of another baby in our lives.
I am thankful next week is the holiday where we once again will spend days surrounded by our families and nobody will have any expectations on us, we can just be where we are in life.

I want to continue my blog, to continue to share our life's journey with you all. Writing is so therapeutic for me and I know we will have an incredible journey ahead, I have to believe that!

With love,
Katie

8 comments:

lauren said...

Katie
I am so sorry, I wish you didn't have to go through this. You are such a strong person, you have been through so much. I am always here. You are always in our thoughts and prayers. Lauren and James

Julie Murray said...

Katie & Jeff,

My heart aches for you both. You and the family are in our thoughts and prayers. I wish we lived closer so we could help out, but please know that we're thinking of you. Julie & Sean

mary Jacobson said...

Katie,
I can honestly say "I know how you feel" Your blog describes my exact feelings when Austin died and all the feelings that follow. Everyword you mentioned I remember very vividly. I have learned alot over time and would love to visit with you if you would like. Mostly know your feelings are very important and no one can tell you how to feel or how to grieve. YOU can only do it your way. You can get my e-mail or phone # from Steve if you would like to. You are constantly on my mind and in my prayers.
Warmly,
Mary J.

Jennifer said...

Katie,
Your words are so strong and powerful. I just sat and cried for you and your family. I know you have this emptiness inside and have so many questions. But I truly believe God will bless you with another baby and in time will give you the answers to all your questions. Please know you are continuously in my thoughts and prayers.

Jennifer Mautz

godawgs27 said...

Katie, what a beautiful and heart-breaking post. If I could take away even a little bit of your pain, I would in an instant. You are a such a wonderful wife, mother, and friend. I'm here for you...

Erin

Mullvains said...

Katie and Jeff -
I find myself constantly thinking about you and praying for you. I can not even imagine your hurt because I know the hurt Matt and I feel as well. I wish I had amazing words to help you heal but I know our God is a BIG and POWERFUL God and he has many blessings in store for you. Keep taking 5 minutes at a time. I will continue to be lifting you two up.
Love,
Amy

Angie said...

Oh, Katie. You don't know me, but someone directed me to your blog because we've been through the same thing. We lost Joshua Dale at 22 weeks back on August 31st. Our lives have not been the same since, because he made our lives richer and left a void and emptiness I still feel daily. It's a hard, hard thing you and I are going through; yours is only triplicate. I'm praying for you and your family, friend.

katie said...

You continue to be in my prayers, Katie. Have a very blessed and wonderful Thanksgiving.