Thanksgiving...

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I am so thankful we have our families to be with. It will be a difficult day as we struggle to be thankful in the midst of our loss. Two weeks have now passed and while somedays it feels like months have passed, somedays it seems like yesterday. I think we are doing OK, it is definitely one moment at a time around here. I think Jeff and I both just get through each day the best we can - with no expectations of how we should be feeling. It still seems so unreal that planning for the miracle of our daughters has come to such a sudden stop - I still remind myself each morning that life has so drastically changed for us.
We did find out Monday that the pathology report showed an infection in my placenta - it has been interesting discovering this information and processing it all. From what I have learned, the infection is called Chorioamniotis, it only happens in 1-2% of pregnancies. It is an infection in the membranes of the placenta and can be caused by strep B which I tested positive for prior to doing our last round of In-Vitro. I don't believe the infection caused me to deliver the girls early, however the doctors had not detected the infection and if it had gotten worse, it could have been very serious for me and the girls. If the infection was found (and it eventually would have been) my health would have been seriously in danger and the only way to treat the infection would have been to deliver the girls. I had every symptom of the infection except for the fever - very interesting to me. I don't know if it helps to know about the infection - it doesn't change anything and nothing will. Maybe the delivery was Gods way of saving me from something that could have potentially been very dangerous. I am thankful I didn't have to choose to deliver my babies to save myself and my health - that would have been too hard for me. I am feeling very anxious to meet with the doctors who were involved in my care, I feel an overwhelming need to have closure with everyone and to believe that everyone is and was on the same page. It is so easy to question everyone's care in my pregnancy, it is so easy to search for someone to blame and to make myself crazy looking for answers - I am trying very hard to remove myself from searching for this. I am trying very hard to believe in God's plan for us and to understand that ultimately He is in control. I am learning everyday how to do this as it is the hardest lesson in all of this...wouldn't it be easy if there was a reason written down somewhere to give me complete closure and understanding - oh well. Someday I will understand all of this, we all will.
We still have not opened the door to Emma, Kelsey and Lauren's room upstairs but at certain times of day I can see the color lavender that I choose to paint seeping through the doorway. Sometimes I think I want to go in there and remember the Sunday before I delivered when Tammie and Jeff were setting everything up, I was in the rocking chair and couldn't believe how close we were getting - I am thankful for that complete happiness and fullness I felt that day, it was the most at peace I can remember ever feeling. We are thinking about making that room a playroom for Katelyn for awhile, it would be nice for her. I know in a few weeks we will be ready to make some decisions, for now I am not pushing anything as I know that we both feel pretty safe keeping that door closed!
Jeff is home for the rest of the holiday week and I am so thankful that we have such a busy time planned. Katelyn continues to be such a doll and has made each day that much easier to get through, I am so thankful for my beautiful daughter and wonderful husband. I am also thankful that I got to meet my Emma, Kelsey and Lauren - their beautiful faces never leave my mind. I continue to thank God for all of you, our friends and family who have been so amazing! We hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Kt