Wednesday, November 28, 2007

We made it through Thanksgiving, it was a lot harder then I had anticipated...the holidays can be hard anyways. I wanted to be OK and started the day out great but the loss I felt just really hit me. The end of my pregnancy would have been now through the start of January so each week from the end of November till the end of December were huge milestones in my mind...a little bit of a tough reminder. I am really trying to get into the Christmas spirit and hope to feel like getting my Christmas things out soon, I know Kate will be adorable this year, that is what is motivates me.

Yesterday, my three week mark, I had to go back to the doctor for an ultra sound to make sure everything looked OK. It didn't hit me till I got there how awful it would be to have my first ultra sound without seeing the girls. When I walked in the room, the tech asked me what I was there for and I said to make sure there was no placenta left over from the delivery of my triplets. She immediately said "Oh bless you, triplets! I can't believe how good you look for just having triplets"...I looked at her and started crying then informed her none of them survived. So I guess she then understood why I cried through the entire ultra sound and looked the other way. One would think they would inform the doctors staff of such losses so that wouldn't happen. Anyways, three hours later and a lot of waiting around, it appears my ultra sound was fine. I also had a few other tests done and will get the results tomorrow. I am starting to feel better physically and that is making a big difference in my spirits. I started walking this week and it has felt so good. This morning I walked alone and it was so healing, the sky was crystal blue and I looked up and said hello to Emma, Kelsey and Lauren...I asked God to hug them extra tight for me today as I was missing them so much. I hope he listened, it is the nicest conversation I have had with him in a few weeks, I am sure he forgives me for that.

I have decided Katelyn is the best medicine for me. Some moments I struggle with such a deep sadness of losing my girls while at the same time feeling such complete happiness that Kate offers me. At first those conflicting of feelings made me feel so guilty but I have to let that go. She is just so wonderful and at the best age. I can't believe how much she is talking now and how big she is getting. I feel like I missed so much those weeks I wasn't taking care of her. I know I am spoiling her right now but I don't care, I think maybe we both need it after the past few months. My new favorite thing is at night when we put Kate to bed, we sit in the rocking chair and say our prayers, she now folds her hands together and last night she bowed her head with me - I almost cried it was so cute. I am so thankful we have her, I can't imagine going through this without her.

Jeff and I are also trying to spend a lot of quality time together which I know is helping both of us right now. We are slowly trying to get back into our social and personal lives, that has been harder then I anticipated. It is just so hard to face everyone after dealing with such a tremendous change in life, I mean what do you possibly say to people? I pray that everyone in our lives and circle is reading our blog or at least knows what is going on, I dread running into people who don't know.
Anyways, that is all for today. I am off to get Katelyn from Mothers Morning Out and my dear friend Kelly is coming to bring lunch and visit for the afternoon. I am so looking forward to the afternoon.
Love to you all,

1 comment:

Chris said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you went through that yesterday and had to explain yourself to that tech! I have NO IDEA why they wouldn't have had that somewhere in the notes! I work at NSH and I know that they try to be sensitive to situations such as yours. I'm sure that tech had something to say about it after you left. NOT the situation ANYONE wants to be in. I know that the rest of the holidays will be bittersweet but you're beautiful angel on Earth will pull you through! Remember though that you deserve to have those harder days and you deserve to still mourn your sweet girls. I'm so glad you are still blogging and that it helps you. I wish there was something more any of us could say or do. God Bless!