The reality of this...

I know that I am so overdue to update my blog. Last week I kept thinking I was going to post SO many new pictures of Katelyn but I never felt up to sitting at the computer for that long. Needless to say the past week or so my exhaustion has been at an all time high! First and foremost, the baby is looking great! I had an appointment yesterday with my IVF doctor and the baby looked perfect, with a strong heartbeat of 175! Dr. M is ever so slowly weaning me off all the added hormones and finally yesterday I officially got to stop all the shots. It will be about two more full weeks before I can stop the oral meds but at least there is an end in sight. I only have to go back to the IVF doc one more time the last week in May (this is a huge celebration when everything is out of pocket)!
Today was a really interesting day, actually a really tough day and unfortunately I am feeling pretty sad tonight. Jeff and I met with our perinatologist (Dr. K). I had a lot of anxiety about the appointment today as it was there where we learned our triplets would have to be delivered. I also was nervous about the whole plan of action about this pregnancy. I have been so caught up in the excitement of being pregnant that I have forgotten the reality of what pregnancy means for me. Now let me preface this by telling you that I realize this is a catch 22, I wanted to feel like Dr. K was serious about my care, I feared he would be too laid back because it was just one baby and I thought he wouldn't realize how scared we still are...but today he was so serious I left there terrified. I wasn't terrified because he scared me, I am terrified because he reminded me of the reality of this and he was very honest and is being very proactive. I was also reminded that we have to take all of this one step at a time which maybe I needed the reminder. I did tell myself if I got pregnant I had to take it one step at a time and be cautiously optimistic while still being extremely guarded. Being pregnant doesn't mean I will bring a baby home in December but Lord knows we are going to do everything in our power to get there. I feel 100% like we are with the right doctor, Dr. K was amazing, thorough, proactive and sensitive to everything Jeff and I are facing. So...for starters, I will be having the nucheal testing done at 10 weeks (blood work) and 12 weeks(full scan). I will have surgery on June 17th at 7:30 am to have a cercleage put in (sewing my cervix shut with a double stitch). At 18 weeks I am on modified bed rest which means I can be up in the morning but have to be off my feet by noon each day. I will start shots at 16 weeks to help prevent preterm labor, I will have a scheduled c-section to prevent any emergency situations. Everything else from there on out will be done based on what is happening. Dr. K said he will see me every week but may even start seeing me twice a week if I start contracting at all. Don't get me wrong, I am completely happy that he is being so proactive, I know without a doubt he is one of the BEST perinatoligist in Atlanta, I have complete confidence in him and his care. However, I wanted to believe since I had one baby I was going to fly through my pregnancy...maybe I will (in bed). As with before it is a lot to think about. Jeff and I walked out and just hugged feeling that old fear mixed with excitement, we just want it to be December so we can hold our sweet baby in our arms, we try not to get attached but with having four ultra sounds under our belt, we are completely in love and attached to the baby - anyone who is a parent knows that. As for the surgery I will have, I am scared...there is a small chance I can lose the baby, it is a less than 1% chance that I will lose the baby but still there is a chance and I have to go into it knowing that. We all believe that small chance is worth the risk from the benefits we will gain having the cercleage. Since I saw Dr. K on a Tuesday and was in complete labor with the triplets less than a week later, the risk of no cercleage isn't worth it. If I am going to lose the baby after the surgery it will happen right away, after that there are no greater risks of me losing the baby. Dr. K does this procedure all the time and assured me the risk of a total loss is extremely rare.
I realize I am rambling and probably am a little overwhelming on here but that is how I feel tonight. I realize ultimately this is all in God's hands, I have to remember while the doctors will do everything they can and I will do everything I can...God is in control of this situation and the life of our baby. I know that God will protect us and I will have confidence in him, I do have confidence in Him, I am just overwhelmed today and that is totally normal. I pray so hard that God will protect me and allow me to have Katelyn all worked out through this pregnancy. I worry so much (as always) about how I will take care of her through all of this, Lord knows I don't want her to feel any of this. Thank goodness she is a year older than my last pregnancy and she has been amazing, she thinks mommy has a boo boo on her tummy and I haven't had to lift her at all. I just get in the bed and cuddle with her whenever I can!
Thanks for listening to all my venting. Thanks for your continued prayers for our family as we go through this exciting yet scary journey. I will be better about updates. I go again Monday then twice the following week so I am sure there will be lots of good updates. By the end of the week I will definitely post new pictures of my adorable Katelyn!