Thursday, July 31, 2008

Surviving the "critical weeks"

Overall I think or thought I was doing really well this pregnancy, I have my moments of such intense anxiety but I have really worked on keeping it in check. However last night and today, I somewhat went off the deep end...yesterday afternoon and into the evening I started having a lot of braxton hicks, please nobody remind me how common braxton hicks are - it will be like telling that to a brick wall. Yesterday I decided maybe I should count them and I pulled out my piece of paper like I did when I was pregnant with the triplets and I started putting down my slash marks, I counted for a few hours and had about 8, I had a few more in the evening but was feeling good. I decided I would just talk to Dr. Grogan about it all today and ask her to please check my contractions and put me on the home monitor system or something, she didn't. I woke up around 4am and was certain I had just had another braxton hick but I figured I was dreaming so I went to the bathroom and laid back in bed. While I laid there contemplating if I had dreamed the BH or if I really had it, I had another one. Of course in the middle of the night when all is calm and too quiet, my mind was going 1000 miles a minute. Suddenly I was scared beyond belief and I could hardly think about anything except that here we go again. I felt another bh about an hour later and the worry and emotions took over me, I couldn't go back to sleep. I realize at this point how unhealthy all the worrying was but I couldn't stop it, all I could think was how fast everything went downhill last time. I laid there wondering how we were going to prevent this from happening again if I am already having so many "braxton hicks" which by the way, braxton hicks don't exists in my world seeing as the nurse kept telling me I was having "braxton hicks" all the way till I was 10 centimeters. I laid in bed thinking how silly it was that I was letting myself even get excited about this baby, I got so frustrated with Jeff yesterday because he won't even talk to me about the nursery and said he didn't want to hear anything about the baby yet, I thought why can't he be confident...and suddenly all my confidence went out the window in the middle of the night. I started thinking I should prepare myself so I can survive if I lost this baby. Needless to say, I got up this morning exhausted, drained and emotional beyond belief. I went for my appointment with Dr. Grogan ready to have an all out talk about how we were going to prevent this all from happening again. Jeff went with me which I was really happy about. Of course, Dr. G told me that "braxton hicks" are very normal and the fact that my uterus was like a woman at 30 weeks so recently, I will feel this all very early and stronger than most people. I told her I understood that they are normal but how do I differentiate between what is normal and what isn't for me. I realize my cervix looked great Tuesday (and again today) but my cervix looked "perfect" 6 days before I delivered the girls in November. My struggle is how will we know this time, how will we watch everything, when do we decide they aren't just "braxton hicks" after all. I realize how neurotic I must sound to many of you, even to myself at times, but having survived such a traumatic loss so recently I am not sure how else to function through this unbelievably scary time in my life. Dr. Grogan's thoughts were, we could put me in the hospital for the next three to four weeks while I get through this scary time, they would check my contractions throughout the day and watch everything. She said I could go in for a week if I wanted and see if it felt reassuring and decide if I wanted to stay or go. She didn't feel I definitely needed to be there but thought maybe that would take the responsibility off of me, that at least if I was there then i would know EVERYTHING was being done that could be done to make sure I didn't lose this baby. She said she would also see me once a week so i was being seen twice a week by her and Korotkin. She mentioned that I need to increase my bed rest (decrease my activities) that obviously my body is trying to tell me to slow down right now and I am doing more each day than I think I am. She said she can put me on anxiety meds for the next few weeks as well as some Ambien to help me sleep and not worry all night. So I did get lots of options but nothing felt like the option or answer i wanted to hear from her. I had a complete deja vu of the night i went into complete labor when I called their office for the third time to complain about my contractions and they called me in the same anxiety medicine and ambein and told me to relax... I left there SO frustrated and got in my car and cried like a baby...I needed it. I am overwhelmed beyond belief right now, more scared than I have ever been in my entire life and grasping for anything to make me feel better and get through this trying time. What is the answer, I don't know, I don't have it. I have to trust in God wholeheartedly to take care of this baby and to help my body carry this baby as long as possible, I need to keep my mind and heart focused on the positive and not the worry and anxiety...I just don't really know how to do that right now. I keep trying to be OK but the truth is, I am completely trembling with fear over losing another child. I suppose I wouldn't be human if I wasn't scared right now, it was only 9 months ago when I delivered and lost the girls, it is all I know for this time in pregnancy. Each time my body has a braxton hick that dreaded fear paralyzes me, nobody will be able to say anything to make that go away, I am human, right?
Anyways, I don't mean to ramble, I just needed to vent and that is why I love to blog. Plus this is the journey I am on, this is my path and I am learning each moment how to deal with it all. If only somehow, someway I could rush through August and be past the 24 week mark, viability for the baby and maybe some peace of mind for Jeff and me. We will get there, we have to get there.

9 comments:

Brooks said...

Hey Katie! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers everyday! Trust that it will all be ok! God will take care of that sweet baby, just like he did with Augie! Try and stay focused and relaxed! Hope to see you soon! Love, Brooks

Chris said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this!! I wish I could speed time up for you too. I wish you were already to December and a beautiful new baby at home. I am praying for you and Jeff to make it through this time. Not many people can tell you "I know how you feel". The only way I know how to relate is that scary first trimester. I know I always was so worried to make it out of the first 12 weeks. I can't imagine having that anxiety (times 100) through the whole pregnancy. I know you don't feel like it now but you are SO STRONG! Hang in there and please know many people are praying and rooting for you guys!!

MattandErin said...

I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better, but just know that I am here for you if you need me. Anytime, day or night! Erin

Kelly and Brent said...

I wish had the answers for you and was able to make the anxiety go away. This has to be a very trying time for you and Jeff but hold onto each other for support and trust that everything will be okay. You ARE such a strong person and it is normal to go through what you are going through...you are human! Everyone of us would be feeling the same way you do if we experienced what you have experienced in the last year. I will be praying that you not only get through the next four weeks but that your pregnancy stays healthy.

MBKimmy said...

I am praying for you! Your family and the baby in your belly! I hope that all continues to go well and I know that you want to "do things" but the Dr is right ... stay in bed - call in friends for help - relax don't do anything you don't have to do ... take the time for YOU and YOUR BODY!!
Please know that I am praying for all of you!

Jennifer said...

Katie,
I am so sorry about everything and all the anxiety you are having, I wish I could say something to make you feel better. Just trust in yourself and if you are afraid that something is wrong then definitely call your doctor (don't think you are over-reacting). But you ARE going to get through these next 4 weeks, better yet, you are going to make it to December :)

You and Jeff have leaned on each other through all your hurdles in the past year, definitely lean on one another now.

Try and just get lots of rest, your body just might need it now more then ever! I know God is going to bless you and Jeff with a healthy baby.

Just know so many of us are thinking of you and praying for you to get through this pregnancy.

MBKimmy said...

Just coming to check in on you ... hope all is well - please keep us updated so we can continue to pray!

Bethany said...

You will get there, and don't beat yourself up over it...over any of it. You are human, and I can tell you I'd be right there with you if I'd had those experiences. It's great that you can talk about it and release your frustration, that's probably the most healthiest thing for you! And God will bring you through this. It's often hard for women of faith to admit that they're scared or worried or fearful because we're supposed to be strong, faithful women - but we are, after all, just human. You are still in my prayers.

Angie said...

Katie,

A comment on this post from months ago will seem so random to you, but I just want you to know that I've been praying for you and thinking of you so much since it was written. I've been faithfully reading your blog and have had this post bookmarked so I could respond. I can't believe it was 3 months ago! I guess a week after you wrote it, I had my baby, and have been in survival mode ever since.

What I wanted you to know when I first read it, is that I know exactly how you feel. You might remember (because you've commented on my blog before) that we lost our baby boy at 22 weeks last fall. Getting pregnant again was so scary, even as excited as we were. I wasn't confident that this baby would make it until the day he was born. It wasn't because either of us were unhealthy or had any chance of NOT making it, I was just scared out of my mind. You've been there. Maybe you're there again today. (Although, you've sounded so positive lately and I pray you stay that way!)

It's after the fact now, but I wanted you to know that your worrying is/was normal. I never unpacked my maternity clothes, because packing them up too soon was too painful last time. We didn't prepare the baby's nursery until a week before he came because I was so scared. Once you've gone through something like we have (and in triplicate for you - I can't imagine), you tend to be a little gun-shy.

Anyway, that's all in the past now, and you're soon to have this precious baby boy or girl. I cannot wait to "meet" him/her. Giving birth again after our loss was amazing in so many ways. Bittersweet, for sure. The same nurse who helped deliver Joshua came to say hello, and boy, was that emotional! I was so glad for it to come full circle so she could meet Joshua's little brother. You won't believe the gush of mixed emotions you'll feel... and you won't believe how that huge gaping hole in your heart is filled by this new little one. Your three angels - who I know you are thinking of today, especially - will not be replaced or forgotten, ever. But this new little one will certainly take a very special place in your family.

I'm so excited for you and will continue to lift you up to the Lord until the day your next miracle is placed in your arms.

Your friend, Angie