Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Happy Birthday to my angels!

Dear Emma, Kelsey and Lauren,

My sweet angel babies...my girlies...how I pray that you are having fun in heaven, sticking together and taking care of each other. There are no words that I can write tonight that will express how much I love you, miss you and wish you were here in my arms. I wish with all my heart that tomorrow we were together celebrating your first birthdays. I would have picked out the perfect cakes with splashes of pink, green and lavender, the best presents for each of you, and I know we would have all our friends and family over to celebrate. I have imagined, dreamed and pondered what kind of a birthday celebration I would have had for you three. Instead of that planning being a reality, I have spent the past few weeks leading up to this week and tomorrow worrying over the right way to spend the day - how to honor you, celebrate you and mourn your losses all at the same time. I am overwhelmed this week with the memories of the 48 hours we spent leading up to your birth as well as your birth and the days that followed. I remember this specific day, November 5th of last year so vividly. I remember the exact moment when they told your daddy and I we would have to deliver you. I remember watching your daddy hit the floor and laying there in the most helpless devastation I have ever experienced. I remember spending the entire night awake, afraid if I closed my eyes for a moment, I would miss the last moments I had with you all healthy and strong in my tummy. Our family members took turns staying awake with me, letting me cry, hurt, smile at your movements and beg God for a miracle. I so distinctly remember what each of your movements felt like as I made myself lock those memories into my heart forever. I struggle with remembering how long you all lived, how long your hearts beat, even if your daddy tells me it was a few hours, to me it felt like a combination of the breifest moment and a lifetime, how could those short hours feel like you were always with me. You are my daughters and have filled my heart the same as Katelyn has. I remember your sweet cry Emma as if I heard it just 3 minutes ago. My heart still has so desperately longed to change the outcome of last November 5th and 6th..I have pleaded with God to wake up and have you three here with us, I have begged him to change everything, I have bargained with him, cried to Him and ultimately given it over to Him, for some reason He needed you three in heaven more then we selfishly needed you here with us. Your sweet cousins often ask me why you three had to go to heaven, I tell them with so much confidence that Jesus needed you to be his angels. I hear them playing with their baby dolls who they have named Emma, Kelsey and Lauren, you three will never be forgotten in our family...we will forever remember and cherish your too short but sweet time here with us.

The past year has been the hardest and most amazing year of my life, I should say of both your daddy and my life. When you experience a tragedy as horrific as we did, you go through such an incredible array of emotions - an intense anger, a sadness deeper than words, denial, fear, loss of control - everything. Our faith in God has been tested and has grown beyond words, our relationship as husband and wife has grown stronger than I ever thought possible, our life feels so much richer because we are so aware of how precious each moment truly is. Experiencing the loss of you three girls showed us how fast life can change, how blessed we are to have the daughter and life that we have. We have learned to trust in God in a way that we have never before - for God knows the plans he has for us - we are not in control. I am still trying to see God's plan in everything and while I will never understand completely why He took you girls away so soon, I am understanding that there is a reason this new baby is supposed to be in our lives - not to replace you three by any means but a sweet and incredible blessing, a sweet gift for the loss we continue to feel each moment of each day. I know that this baby has three angels watching over him/her, I know Kate has three angels watching over her, I know that we all have three angels waiting for us in heaven. How complete my heart will be when I can hold all of my babies in my arms at one time, I will continue to dream of that moment. Your daddy and I are preparing for your brother or sisters arrival in a few short weeks, we are filled with anxiety and emotions of having this delivery after your deliveries. I know that each of you will be watching over us, meeting your new brother or sister and making sure that all goes well. How I wish you were going to be home when we brought the baby home, how I wish you were all here to celebrate the exciting days ahead. I pray that you will share in our happiness from heaven and know that not a moment will pass that you won't be in our hearts and on our minds. We love you sweet girlies with every ounce of our hearts and souls...we think of you all each day, we dream of what you would be like this year at your one year old birthdays. We are proud of you, your lives have impacted so many people, your story has been shared with many others and it gives me peace when I hear of another baby gone too soon to know that you three are meeting them at heavens door.

Your daddy and I will be sending you three balloons tomorrow night to celebrate your birthday, there is one for each of you. Know how much we wish we could be together, holding you and loving on you.


We love you our precious angels, Happy Birthday!

7 comments:

Kelly and Brent said...

Katie and Jeff,
I can't imagine the emotions you are going through during this very difficult time. It breaks my heart that you won't be celebrating Emma, Kelsey and Lauren's first birthday with them. But know they are celebrating it from up above and they know that you love them and are thinking about them. You have three BEAUTIFUL angels looking over you and your family and they are so excited to have a new sibling in a couple of weeks.

Katie, you are such an amazing and strong person! I know that this year has been the hardest year of your life but I want to thank you for sharing your story with us. I don't think I could be nearly as strong as you. You are an inspiration to so many!

I will be thinking about you guys tomorrow and will say a little prayer for your sweet girls. Happy 1st Birthday Emma, Kelsey and Lauren. You are loved by so many!

Jennifer said...

Katie,
What an amazing tribute to your beautiful little girls, Kelsey, Lauren & Emma. My heart breaks for you and your family that you do not have your girls with you and that you have had to face what you have throughout this past year. But you are one amazing woman who is so strong and has found peace in your loss. I hope tomorrow is a day of happiness, and remembering your precious babies. You have 3 sweet angels always looking over you and listening to you!

I am just so happy for you with this pregnancy and I know everything is going to be great! Your baby has made it thus far becuase he/she has so many people praying for him/her, not only is God looking out for you but so are your girls in heaven :)

Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. We are here for you and praying for you and your family.

Please know I am thinking of you tomorrow and wishing your baby girls, Kelsey, Emma & Lauren a very Happy 1st Birthday!

Ashly Tucker said...

I am praying for you today! You are so strong and I admire you. I'm so happy you are leaning on God-you're amazing!

Happy 1st Birthday sweet girls!

Devin said...

I've never posted before, but I've been lurking for well over a year now. I just wanted to say that you are a very strong woman and I admire the way you embrace and celebrate your angels, even as you grieve. My mother lost a son the year before she had me (he lived not quite 2 weeks) and I've always been raised knowing I had my own angel in heaven as well. My mother showed such great strength and courage through that time (and still now) and I often tell her about your story. We both pray for you as you go through this process, and we know that - although the new baby could NEVER EVER replace the triplets - the baby will bring joy to your lives and will hopefully help you heal as time passes. Thank you for sharing your story and being so open about your loss. I believe that honoring the girls will teach an important lesson about love to Kate and your new baby that they will hold dear throughout their lives - I know that was the case for me.
Happy first birthday Emma, Kelsey and Lauren!

MBKimmy said...

What a wonderdful letter. What a great choice of words. I can not imagine how you are feeling, how you felt or how you will feel in the years to come!
I know that the 3 angles you have watching you will always be with you and they know that you are with them! I know that the new baby will not replace them, but maybe he/she will represent ALL 3 of them in ways that you will understand and see everyday!
You are all in my prayers and I hope that you feel all the love and prayers coming your way!

Bethany said...

Katie, our prayers are with all of you. Your story touches me so much. Your girls and new baby are so lucky to have such a faithful mother, a woman of God. Happy Birthday, sweet Girls. I'm sure our Heavenly Father helped you to blow out your very special candles today!

Chris said...

I'm so sorry I was having a rough week and had not been paying attention on the blogs. Katie and Jeff you have come such a long way and I hope the two of you celebrated your girls special day together and it brought you even closer together! Happy first birthday Emma, Kelsey and Lauren--you were all loved by SO many!!! Sweet girls!!