Tuesday, January 20, 2009

A moment to myself

Well I think I finally have a moment to myself so I thought I would sit down to update my blog. Both Katelyn and Blake are sleeping at the moment, the house is cleaned, I have worked out and dinner is cooking in the crock pot - I would say I am in good shape for today!! Blake has been sleeping awesome, basically 9:30 - 4:30 so I can't begin to complain but last night he ate around 9 and slept till 7am, it was heaven!!!!!!! I think that is why I have been getting so much done today, I am like a new person sleeping that long. Things are going really well around here, Katelyn is back to her old self, she is napping and sleeping better. She is doing so good with Blake and loves to help me with him. I always see her talking to him, trying to hug him, putting his paci in and just loving him, it always melts my heart. I think for Kate getting back into school and our routine has been huge for her, she needed that normalcy in her life with all these changes in her house. Blake is still a really good baby, he has his moments but I seem to be more relaxed with those moments than I ever was with Katelyn. I think we have figured out the spitting up, he now nurses from one side per feeding and it makes the biggest difference, I think he was eating too much. The nurse suggested we try this from now will we go next week for his 2 month check up (isn't that crazy). It does seem to be helping, Kate spit up so much, we tried every medicine and the most expensive formula they make and looking back, I think it was something she just had to grow out of, I feel that way with Blake, he will grow out of it. He doesn't scream like Kate did so I know it isn't painful for him. He just loves to eat:)! I am doing really well too, getting back into life and figuring out how to juggle two demanding children, I mean that with the most love. Emotionally I am even starting to feel more relaxed and balanced. I will be very honest, I didn't have postpartum depression at all but I have had the most intense anxiety that I have ever felt before and I assume it is from my hormones. Obviously since the moment I got pregnant, I was anxious about losing the baby, everyday brought me more peace. Then we get to delivery and things didn't go as 'easy' as I had thought they would. When Blake was born my anxiety about him became the most intense it has ever been. I realize every parent worries about their children, I know this from having Kate already but this has been so different. Blake's heart rate kept dropping throughout my pushing which I know often happens during delivery, I ended up delivering him while laying on my right side because this was the only position that steadied his heart rate. When he came out the cord was wrapped around his neck, the intermediate nursery (not the NICU but the next step up) was called and they had to put oxygen and heart monitors on him right away. I was laying in the bed sobbing, I kept asking anyone and everyone if he was OK. I was so scared they were going to take him to the NICU or that something was wrong, I told the doctor we delivered too early, I was absolutely terrified...then I was put to sleep to get my placenta issues taken care of. Obviously Blake was fine, he was grunting at the time and they thought he had a little 'wimpy white boy syndrome' but he figured it out. Well from there he has been doing awesome but I can't shake the fear I have of something happening to him. When he lost all that weight I panicked, if he sleeps too much, I panic, I have hardly taken him anywhere because I have been so worried about him getting sick, he hasn't totally smiled at my yet and I am so worried that he hasn't smiled - it is ridiculous, I know but it is something I have been dealing with. I think it is an understandable anxiety...for one, I now how real it is too lose a child and how fast it can all be taken away and after all we have been through this amazing baby is here - with that comes some adjusting to all these emotions! So that is where I have been emotionally over the past few weeks. The anxiety is getting so much better, I am feeling so much more confident in Blake and I am starting to really believe this is all really my life and that nobody is going to take it away. I wake up everyday and still am in awe of it all. I love to say "my children, my kids"...something I never thought I would say. I love every ounce of where I am today, the sleepless nights, the chaos of many moments, the trials of a two year old and a newborn - I love it all! I am really trying to take in each moment and not miss anything...it goes so fast I feel as if I will miss something if I blink too long!
As I mentioned earlier, I am taking Blake to his 2 month appointment a week from Thursday, it will be about 5 days before he is technically 2 months but he will be over 8 weeks, I can't even believe that. I am not sure where these two months have gone but we survived, I think the first two months can be the hardest...figuring out nursing, sleeping, and life in general so I am excited we have survived! I can't wait to see what Blake weighs, he is getting so big! I will update some pictures soon, I take a million pictures, I think every minute Blake is more adorable than the last.
Well I am off to rest for my last moments of quiet around here!


Jennifer said...

I am so glad you are getting a hang of juggling two kids and that you are actually getting some time to yourself. You seem more put together then I do and I have one child :)

As for the nursing thing and Blakes spit up, Ansley was the exact same way and I had to do the same thing as you. She was never in any pain so the doctor always said she would just outgrow it, that didn't happen until about 8 months but at least I was use to it.

I am sorry for all your anxiety, it is so understandable. But believe God has given you the greatest gift to be the mother of two beautiful kids and I know he wouldn't take that away from you. You are doing an amazing job!

The Partins said...

I had to do the same thing with Jamie plus she was on baby Zantac because she had reflux. It took her to about 8 months until she stopped having heart burn, and a few months of nursing on one side.

MattandErin said...

I think you have been amazingly strong these past few months, even with the anxiety. So many people feel the exact same way you do (did!) about a newborn and they have never lost a baby, very well three. You have such an amazing family and beautiful children! I am so happy for you all of the incredible milestones you and Blake are reaching! Erin

laus said...

Hi Katie,
I came across your blog a few months ago, started at the very beginning and cried my way through! I had just found out I was pregnant and couldn't begin to imagine the pain you felt losing your daughters. My heart ached for you and I was so thrilled when I read that you were pregnant again!

At 18 weeks, my husband and I found out that our precious child has Trisomy 18, a genetic defect that's considered "incompatible with life".

Our doctors recommended that we terminate the pregnancy immediately, as the prognosis for these children is very poor - 90-95% die in utero and those that do survive birth typically only live a few minutes, hours or days. My husband and I knew that wasn't an option for us. God has a plan, and who are we to try and change it? We've chosen to carry our baby girl as long as she will allow us to. I'm now 23 weeks, and starting to feel her move, which has to be the most amazing feeling in the world.

Every day is a struggle for me, because we know that our baby girl is going to die, but I treasure every moment we do have with her. Conception in and of itself is a miracle, and I know that I've been blessed with an angel...

Your courage, dignity and grace through such a trying time are truly a source of inspiration for me. Knowing that other people survive such a painful loss helps me to feel somewhat less alone. Thank you for sharing your story, and I wish you the happiest future with your beautiful children!!

Bethany said...

Katie, I've been peeking in on you periodically, and am glad that everything is going so well. I dont' think I've officially told you, but CONGRATULATIONS. Blake is the cutest baby!! So happy for you!!!