Saturday, March 21, 2009

Updates and new pictures

It is a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I should be outside enjoying the weather but both the kids are sleeping in their beds (a new event for Blake's nap time) and I am actually sitting here in the quiet house enjoying the silence. I have had so much on my mind the past few days and feel like blogging...I don't even know if people really read my blog much anymore since I have been so bad about posting. Last night I went with my friend Erin to see Kate Gosslin speak at Roswell United Methodist Church (you know, from the John and Kate plus 8 show). I have such mixed feelings about the show and Kate herself so I was anxious to go and hear her speak...plus we had dinner at a cute little place in downtown Roswell and I really enjoyed the night out and the adult conversation! We had dinner with another friend who I didn't know very well before last night, one of Erin's friends, a very nice girl. The dinner started with a lot of talk about babies, pregnancies, nursing, etc. all the things we young new moms talk about. I was asked a very interesting question (ES if you read this, I am not offended that you asked, but nobody has ever asked me that question before). She asked me if I felt differently about Kate than I did about Blake...having carried Blake and not Kate. The question, quite honestly, took me by surprise. I feel so completely the same about both of them and I have never even thought about feeling different about them. They are both my children just the same, no matter how they got here. Each situation, Tammie carrying Kate and me carrying Blake, were so amazing and different. When Tammie was pregnant with Kate, I had no fear, I talked to Kate everyday, Tammie played our voices for her on headphones every night, I prepared for her from day 1 like it was my full time job, I worked SO incredibly hard to bond with her from the very start. With Blake, I was so terrified of losing him that I stayed very guarded and tried to pretend that I wasn't too attached to him...so each situation was incredibly different but I LOVE my children completely the same, I feel NO different about either child, either child's arrival, etc. I realize when people used to tell me that I wouldn't feel different if I carried the baby myself or not, I NEVER believed them, it actually took me having the triplets and carrying Blake to realize just how right those people were - it feels NO different, nobody can explain it but I honestly feel like I carried Kate myself - there is NO difference at all. And yes, Kate will always know how she arrived here, she will always know what an incredible love her Aunt Tammie has for her, she will always know how amazing it all was, how much she was loved from the very start! Surrogacy is an interesting journey but it was an incredible journey and even though I have now carried a child, I would not change it for anything, that was my journey, that was the path I was supposed to take, Tammie was supposed to carry Kate for me - God planned it all that way for a reason and I may not know the exact reason but I do know it was AMAZING and I am forever changed because of it all! So ES thanks for the question, I thought about it all night and my heart has been so full of thoughts on it, I thought it was a good question, it was something many many people may wonder about...I love my children the same, I feel like they both grew in my stomach, I would never feel different because of how God put them here, they are my life, my bond with them is very different because they are two different people but my love and connection with them is completely equal on every level! So anyways, we left dinner and went to listen to Kate Gosslin talk, her talk ended up being a lot about her journey to have her children...the infertility, God's plan for them, her experience in the ultra sound room when they counted the babies for the first time (which reminded me of finding out we had triplets) her intense fear of losing her babies along the way, all of it and it all hit very close to home for me. For a few moments I thought to myself, why couldn't God have protected my girls like he protected those 6 babies...maybe I even felt envy that her journey with high order multiples turned out so happy and mine did not. I even wondered did I do something wrong along the way, did I push myself, should I have been in the hospital being monitored, did I not listen to my body...it just brought up so many emotions for me. I had a good cry on my way home, it was a well needed cry and it felt SO good. I came home and went up to see my babies, I kissed them both in their sleep, prayed over them and felt such an incredible peace that only God could give me - this is where I am supposed to be, these are the babies that God wanted me to have here on earth and for that I am forever grateful and forever content. I am happy I went last night, I am happy I was asked that question, I am happy I heard Kate talk about her trying journey to have her babies...it was a fun evening and maybe one I needed. I am so blissfully caught up in Kate and Blake and my heart is so content for having completed a full pregnancy, I have put my journey to get here aside for a little while, sometimes it is nice to have those tears, to remember my girls and the lives I am missing so much that my heart aches. It is nice to be reminded that it is OK to still cry for them, it is OK to still miss them so much I feel like my heart could break in two, it is OK to feel like I will never completely recover from having them for those short minutes they were alive in my arms. I know I will hold them again and until then I have these two amazing blessings here on earth to love, that is amazing, God is amazing!

Anyways, those are my deep thoughts for today:)! Now that I have taken some time to talk about all of that, here are some awesome new pictures! I am off to enjoy the day with these two beautiful blessings:)!

You won't believe how big Blake is getting, he is SO much fun and is always smiling!


Kate and mommy at Meme and Papa's St. Patty's Day party!

One of my new favorite pictures!

Happy Saturday everyone!

7 comments:

Jennifer said...

Katie,
What a well written post! You definitely had an interesting question asked to you, but I loved your answer. Honestly, I have never thought about that but it made you come to writing those beautiful words about "the girls", Blake & Kate!

I am jealous you got to go listen to Kate from John & Kate plus 8! I love watching that show becuase it amazes me how she does it all. I know a lot of people don't like her but I am addicted :)

Hope you are having a wonderful weekend!

laus said...

Hi Katie,
You don't know me, so I hope you don't mind me commenting! I've read your blog from start to finish and am so happy for you and your family!! Thank you for posting about feeling peace and that God meant for you to be exactly where you are ...

I am pregnant with my first child, and we found out that she has Trisomy 18, a diagnosis considered to be "incompatible with life". Despite immediate recommendations to terminate the pregnancy, my husband and I opted to carry to term; we're now 31 weeks along and anxiously awaiting her arrival!!

It has not been an easy journey, and I know the road ahead is not going to be easy either, but it helps to know that others who've lost children DO find peace and feel happiness. I hope beyond hope that God has healthy children in our future, and I hope that someday I feel true happiness and joy ... hearing that others survive and thrive comforts me, so thank you! And I wish you a lifetime of happiness with your beautiful children!

P.S. you would make a great counselor!

Donnetta said...

Katie, that was a fantastic post. You put everything out there with honesty and heart. How lucky Kate & Blake are!!

The Partins said...

I love the new pictures of the Kate & Blake! They are so precious. And you are right, it doesn't matter how they come into our lives or for how long, we love our babies unconditionally - C-section, Natural, Surrogate, Adoption, Foster care - the list goes on and the love never ends.

MattandErin said...

Katie,

Great post! I am glad the night was so thought provoking for you... It was the same for me, but in different ways, of course. Not only was the companionship great, but Kate had some great lessons to offer. I hope we can do more stuff like that in the future!

Erin

katie said...

Kate,
I am so glad that you had a nice evening on Friday-I could see you across the church but it was so crazy I couldn't make it over to you guys! That is an interesting question from ES-a good one to make you think, and thanks for sharing your thoughts on the kids in respect to that. I know you love them with all your heart, it is so amazing to read your posts. Hope to see you and the kiddos soon.

KatePetronis said...

WHAT A SWEET POST!!!!! I have tears in my eyes. Kate, Blake and your three little angels have the best mommy in the world!!!!