Thursday, November 5, 2009

Happy Happy Birthday my sweet baby girls!

Dear Emma, Kelsey and Lauren,
As I did last year, I have to write your birthday letter to you tonight, not tomorrow because I know that I won't get through it tomorrow. So I sit here tonight wondering how it is possible that two years have gone by, I still see each little detail in each of your faces as clear as if I just laid you to sleep in your cribs. I feel like I just met you, just heard Emma's little cry and just felt my arms so full with the tiny weight of each of you in my arms. I feel like I just looked over and saw your daddy rocking all three of you with tears running down his face and the deepest sadness I have ever seen in my life. I feel like I just said good bye to you, just let them take you out of my room for the very last time...yet somehow it has been two years. The intensity of the pain has not lessened for me, will it ever, I don't know. I know I can get through my days much easier, I can be happy, I am happy, but there is that huge hole, that loss in my heart that will never be replaced. I found myself pleading with God again yesterday begging Him to tell me why, to help me understand why He needed you more than I did, why He couldn't have let you stay here with me. Then I had to stop and remember you are in the very best place and you will have a second birthday party more magnificent then anything I could have ever planned here for you...still I selfishly want you here with me. I have spent many moments alone this week wondering what each of your sweet faces would look like today, what each of your personalities would have been like, how busy and overwhelmingly wonderful our lives would have been this year. I wonder how incredible your big sister Kate would have been with each of you, how much she would have loved to run and play with you girls, how much I know she will miss by not having her sissy's here with her throughout her life. Kate has this amazing love for you, as if she knows you aren't here with us and should be...every time she tells me she loves Blake she says "mommy, do you know how much I love brother", I say "no baby, how much" and she says "up to the sky where my sissy's are and all the way back down here mommy, that's how much"...every time she says it my heart hits the floor and tears fill my eyes. We all love you beyond our comprehension, beyond any words we can possibly say.

I have spent many days worrying and wondering how to spend tomorrow, how to celebrate you three, how to make sure I celebrate "good enough" so that you will know the depth of my love and how much I miss you...the celebration part has brought me to tears so many times this week as my sweet sweet girl friends have continued to ask "how can we help you celebrate, what can we do for you on Friday"? I kept saying, I really don't know...then this morning I was walking and talking with Ashly and she made a good point to me - grief has no right or wrong way about it, each person's grief and each day are going to be unique to how you are able to handle it - I know that tomorrow will never be what I want it to be, it will never be the three of you running around here laughing, playing with your friends and cousins, opening presents and eating will never be the celebration I want and long for it to be. We will eat cake for you tomorrow and tomorrow will be what it is going to be but no matter how hard I try and prepare and dictate what I am going to feel or do, I can't because I just don't know how to celebrate my babies who have already gone to heaven...I never will know how to celebrate that. So instead, I will take comfort in my friends and family tomorrow. I will wish with all of my heart that you three were going to be here when I wake up and I will immediately think of your sweet faces, I will celebrate you three the best way I know how until I can someday be with you, holding you in my arms. Until then, I will go to bed tomorrow night disappointed again because somehow the day won't be what I thought it should be, it never will be what I think it should be...

I do know that we will rejoice a little extra in each other tomorrow, we will hold each other a little tighter and we will thank you for teaching us to cherish every single moment that we do get to have together!

Ok, don't forget to look for your balloons tomorrow girlies, we will send them before it gets dark this year, your sissy can't wait, she already remembered we have to get Lauren a lavender one, Kelsey a green one and Emma a pink one!

I love you sweet baby girls...more then you will ever know. Here is the most amazing song that makes me cry for you each time I hear it...Happy Happy 2nd Birthday! With all my love always and forever - mommy

Heaven is the face of a little girl With dark brown eyes That disappear when she smiles. Heaven is the place Where she calls my name Says, “Daddy please come play with me for awhile.” Chorus: God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more, But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for. God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door. So right now... Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep, Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing. And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms, Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more, But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door. Bridge: But in my mind’s eye I can see a place Where Your glory fills every empty space. All the cancer is gone, Every mouth is fed, And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed. Every lonely heart finds their one true love, And there’s no more goodbye, And no more not enough, And there’s no more enemy (no more). Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone. Heaven is the place where she takes my hand And leads me to You, And we both run into Your arms. Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream. It’s far beyond anything I can conceive. So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see Heaven in the face of my little girl, Heaven in the face of my little girl.


Jennifer said...

Happy Birthday Emma, Kelsey and Lauren!!! We hope you are having a wonderful birthday today. You have so much love coming your way today from your family and friends :)

Katie, Jeff, Katelyn and Blake: we are all thinking of you today and hope this day is a special one for you. Your girls are very lucky to have such loving parents and siblings!

Kim said...

Thinking of all of you today and keeping all of you close to my heart.

Ashly said...

That was a great letter to your baby girls. As I said in your card, they are so lucky to have you as their mommy! You are a great mother to them. Thank you for letting me a small part of the girls' birthday today, I loved planting the flowers for your family. I must confess, I couldn't read the song lyrics, but I will later:)

I love you so much,

Kelly and Brent said...

Happy Birthday sweet little girls! Hope you are having a fabulous day! Your mommy, daddy, sissy, and brother are celebrating your life and how much they love you!

Katie, we are thinking about you guys today. I know it is such a special but hard day. I hope you find comfort today and enjoy the presence of your friends and family.

KatePetronis said...

Oh my goodness what a beautiful letter to your girls!! AHHHH I've got tears running down my face. You're such a wonderful mommy. Each one of your children are so lucky to have such a sweet and loving mother. Happy belated Birthday to Emma, Kelsey and Lauren, sweet little baby girls.

Carter's Class Blog said...

Katie, I knew this day was coming and want you to know I have been thinking about you, Jeff, and your family. Looking at your pictures, I know you have a million blessings...the girls watching over y'all three of the most important. My heart is with you, especially during this holiday season! May you have more joy than your heart can hold.
Love, Amy